I have no real memories of my dad, I mean I met him but that is about it! It is sad, I have TWO strong memories of my biological father.
One I had to be about Seven or Eight, and its blurry besides the fact that my older brother came along with me. The other memory, I was in college, so I had to be about 18 or 19.
He attempted for about a good month, to keep in contact but I was at the point in life were he was just a complete stranger to me. So in his defense, I did not give him a fair shot. I would not go as far to say I had hatred for him but if I seen him in the street, I would have kept it moving by.
The good thing is that I had two father figures in my life, my step pop and my grandpa. I learned the most from my grandfather though. I lived with him since I was 11 and he showed me everything I needed to survive in this world.
My step dad and I had a great relationship growing up, until I seen the pain he put my mother in during one summer. Our relationship has never been the same since, even with my mother forgiving him. I learned the most about that situation, by a conversation with my grandfather. He put it like it is, “A man is going to be a man. He just got caught.”
The older I get I realize how much that is true until the day I had my kids. My kids brought so much love to my life, it would just sit on my chest. The crazy thing is, I felt that love before they were even born.
So, I promised myself I would be there for my kids everyday. So before they were born, their mother and I tried to plan it out for us to have everything ready for their arrival.
The rough part was that we lived 8 hours away from each other. It was no problem for me though, I figured I would just move up and be with my family. Then I got in some trouble and could not leave the state. From that point on, things between us started to distance.
Pressure on her end was getting too much for her and she did not know how to handle it. Our relationship was nothing but arguments and negativity. I did not want to raise my kids in that environment. I was torn because on one side I had all this love, but on the other hand, I know it hurts them more growing up in a negative environment!
At that point, I can say I thought about my biological father for the first time. I forgave him without even talking to him, because I could see how any man would choose the easy path and just run away. Run from your responsibility and be labeled a deadbeat!
That option never sat well with me because every time I thought of my little boys, my chest just filled up with joy. That joy put me on the spiritual path, I needed to let go my emotions and thoughts and become one with “God”! Now, I know my purpose is to spread the love to my boys and all!!
Love & Peace
EskayThree 